motorboat you old sailor

Wedding Crashers

Wedding Crashers is a 2005 film about a pair of committed womanizers who sneak into weddings to take advantage of the romantic tinge in the air.

• 1 John Beckwith
• 2 Jeremy Grey
• 3 Sack's Friends
• 4 William Cleary
• 5 Todd Cleary
• 6 Chaz Reinhold
• 7 Other People
• 11 External links

John Beckwith

• There he is, the big guy!
• I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!
• I think he's on steroids. It's like trying to cover a fucking race horse.
• It's the first quarter of the big game and you wanna toss up a hail Mary? I'd like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it's not Halloween. Grow up, Peter Pan! Count Chocula! Look, we've been to a million weddings and you know what? We've rocked them all.
• You better lock it up.

Jeremy Grey

• Oh please! You and I both know I'm a phenomenal dancer!
• I don't even wear a belt...beltless.
• Rule number 76: no excuses. Play like a champion.
• You go have fun. I'm gonna go ice my balls and spit up blood, Team Player!
• Did you hear what I just said to you? Stage five? Virgin? Clinger? Let’s go, I’m gonna start the car, I’m serious, let’s go.
• I don’t think that you’re appreciating the urgency here. Not only is she a virgin, she’s totally off the reservation. I’m terrified of this broad.
• I'm a little too traumatized to enjoy a scone right now.
• I was first-team All-State. I can put the ball wherever I want to. I'll make it rain out here.
• I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding, neither are you. And you want to know what? I dig it.
• It feels so good when he jokes.
• Lock it up!
• The painting was a gift, Todd. I'm taking it with me.
• Yeah that, or it could have been the midnight rape, or the nude gay art show that took place in my room last night.
• Give me a break! That was my first Asian!
• I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup. I love maple syrup! I love it on pancakes, I love it on pizza! I love to take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?
• Proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.
• I'm a cocks man!
• You motor-boating son of a bitch, you old sailor you!
• I mean, I had an imaginary friend when I was a kid and his name was Shiloh. We used to play checkers with each other every day and bless his heart, Shiloh'd always let me win!
• This is the real world, lady! You can't just go shooting people on a whim!
• I felt like Jodie Foster in 'The Accused'
• I hope you flip your bike over and knock out your two front teeth, you selfish son-of-a-bitch!

Sack's Friends

• Crab cakes and football, that's what Maryland does!
• Are you ready to have the noise brought on you?
• That's what we call a sack lunch! Num-num-num-num-num!

William Cleary

• Well, the guy wants to run for president, he thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease.
• You know, she's not just another notch on your belt.
• Now Todd, it wouldn't kill ya to play some competitive sports, once in a while, would it?
• Todd, that's good! Tell that mean ocean!
• Nature versus nurture, Lodge. Nature always wins.
• [ about Todd ] Oh, he says he believes in art, but all I've seen him do is dribble his own blood on a canvas and smear it around with a stick!
• Sailor! Good Man.

Todd Cleary

• Death, you are my Bitch Lover!
• I made you a painting ... I call the painting 'Celebration'(shows painting). It's sexual and violent. I thought you might like it.
• Would that make you love me?!
• I'll be in my room painting homo things.
• I'll pop out at the right moment!
• Let's play tummy sticks.
• We had a moment at the dinner table.
• Jeremy tried to seduce me!

Chaz Reinhold

• What the fuck do you want?
• God darn you! I almost nun-chucked you. You don't even realize!
• I'm just living the dream.
• Hey, Ma! Can we get some meatloaf?!
• Hey, Ma! The meatloaf! We want it now! The meatloaf!
• What is she doing? I never know what she is doing back there.
• Ma! The meatloaf! Fuck!
• Come on in for the real thing.
• It's like fishing with dynamite.
• Dude died in a hang gliding accident. What an idiot! Ha ha. "A-a-ah! I'm hang-gliding, honey! Take a good picture! I'm dead!" What a freak!
• (Upon finding out that Jeremy is getting married) What?! What an idiot! What a loser! Good! Good! More for me and you!
• You're coming with!

Other People

• Wife : You shut your mouth when you're talking to me!
• Husband : Yeah, that's right, go comatose for me, baby!
• Grandma : He was a doll! The wife, though, Eleanor, big dyke. Huge dyke. A real rug muncher. Looked like a big lesbian mule.
• Chazz's mom : Chazz, there's someone here to see you! And pick up your fucking skateboard!
• Husband : Hey, I got an idea, why don't you just kiss my left nut!\\\\\\

[last lines]

• On July 15, they're coming to your wedding...with or without invitations.
• They're just a couple of guys who need a good wife.
• Hide Your actual IQ rating.
• Life's a Blessing, Remember to Pray.
• Owen Wilson as John Beckwith
• Vince Vaughn as Jeremy Grey
• Christopher Walken as United States Secretary of the Treasury William Cleary
• Rachael McAdams as Claire Cleary
• Isla Fisher as Gloria Cleary
• Jane Seymour as Kathleen "Kitty Kat" Cleary
• Ellen Albertini Dow as "Grandma" Mary Cleary (final film role)
• Keir O'Donnell as Todd Cleary
• Bradley Cooper as Sack Lodge
• Henry Gibson as Father O'Neil
• Ron Canada as Randolph
• Jenny Alden as Christina Cleary
• Will Ferrell ( uncredited ) as Chazz Reinhold
• Doria Baird as Vivian
• Dwight Yoakam and Rebecca De Mornay as Mr. and Mrs. Kroger
• Kathryn Joosten as Mrs. Reinhold
• Richard Riehle ( uncredited ) as Funeral guest

External links

• IMDb: Wedding Crashers
• The Official Site
• Wedding Crashers Motorboat * The Rules

• American films
• Romantic comedy films
• Films set in Washington, D.C.
• Films about weddings
• Films set in Maryland

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• You Motorboating Son of a Bitch

About Wedding Crashers

• Released in 2005
• Directed by David Dobkin
• Produced by New Line Cinema

Wedding Crashers Scenes

• You Shut Your Mouth
• Just the Tip
• Wedding Montage
• Hell of a Season
• I'm a Cocksman
• Death You Are My Bitch Lover
• Jeremy Seduces Gloria
• Claire's Toast
• Stage 5 Virgin Clinger
• That Was My First Asian
• No More Bodily Fluids
• Crab Cakes and Football
• I'd Find You
• I Don't Even Wear a Belt
• Sea Otter Story
• Holy Shirts and Pants
• Those are Lovely Tits
• Mom Make You Feel Her Tits?
• Grandma's Kind of Mean
• You Do the Math
• Todd and Jeremy in Bed
• Midnight Rape or the Gay Art Show
• Starboard's This Way
• Let's Go Kill Some Birds
• Jeremy Gets Shot
• I Hope You Flip Your Bike
• Randolph and Sack
• The Beach Scene
• Engagement Announcement
• I Wasn't A Virgin
• Jeremy and the Priest
• John Loves Claire
• Good News Travels Fast
• That Painting Was a Gift
• John's Plan
• Sack Fights John
• Rule Number 5 - You're an Idiot
• Jeremy and Gloria Get Engaged
• Claire Bear
• Light Reading
• Ma, Meatloaf
• Funeral Scene
• Preview of Marriage to Ike Turner
• Final Scene

Characters in This Scene

Jeremy Grey

John Beckwith

Grandma Mary Cleary

Wedding Crashers (2005)

Owen wilson: john beckwith.

• Photos (41)
• Quotes (65)

Photos 

Quotes 

Jeremy Grey : I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.

John Beckwith : Soft mattress?

Jeremy Grey : Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room. One of those probably added to the lack of sleep.

John Beckwith : You know how they say we only use 10 percent of our brains? I think we only use 10 percent of our hearts.

John Beckwith : Don't waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper.

Jeremy Grey : Yeah? Well, the proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.

[people in the next row turn round and stare at Jeremy] 

John Beckwith : Why don't you say it a little louder? I don't think the priest heard you.

John Beckwith : I'd like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it's not Halloween. Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula.

John Beckwith : Claire's mom just made me grab her hooters.

Jeremy Grey : Well snap out of it! What, a hot older women made you feel her cans? Stop crying like a little girl.

John Beckwith : I wasn't crying like a little girl.

Jeremy Grey : Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. Hey, what were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or comfort? What'd you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat?

[makes sputtering motorboat noise] 

Jeremy Grey : You motorboatin son of a bitch! You old sailor you! Where is she? She still in the house?

John Beckwith : What's wrong with you?

Jeremy Grey : What do you mean "what's wrong with me?" What's wrong with you?

John Beckwith : No, what's wrong with you?

Jeremy Grey : No, what's wrong with you? You're projecting!

John Beckwith : Drop it.

Jeremy Grey : You drop it! You stop projecting on me! Why don't you go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood.

John Beckwith : Drop it!

[starts walking away] 

Jeremy Grey : Team player!

John Beckwith : Claire! Will you wait just a second? All I wanted is was a second alone with you so I could explain things. But I've never gotten that chance. Maybe I don't deserve it, so here goes. For longer than I care to remember, my business has been crashing weddings. I crashed weddings to meet girls. Business was good. I met a *lot* of girls. It was childish and it was juvenile.

Claire Cleary : And pathetic.

John Beckwith : Yeah. That's probably the best word to describe it. But you know what? It also led me to you, so it's hard for me to completely regret it. And that person that you met back at your folks' place? That was really me. Maybe not my name, I'm John Beckwith by the way. Or my job. But the feelings we felt; the jokes, the stupid laughs, that was all me. I've changed. I've realized something. I crashed a funeral today.

Jeremy Grey : [mutters]  Oh Jesus.

John Beckwith : It wasn't my idea, I was basically dragged to it.

[to Jeremy] 

John Beckwith : I went with Chazz who you forgot to tell me is totally insane. He also might be a genius because it actually does work, he's cleaning up.

Claire Cleary : John!

John Beckwith : I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That's neither here nor there. Anyway, I saw this widow and she's a wreck. She has just lost the person she loved the most in this world and I realized we're all going to lose the people we love. That's the way it is, but not me. Not right now. Because the person *I* love the most is standing right here and I'm not ready to lose you yet. Claire, I'm not standing here asking you to marry me, I'm just asking you not to marry *him* and maybe take a walk, take a chance.

[Kathleen Cleary walks into John's bedroom, unbuttons her blouse and shows John her boobs] 

Kathleen Cleary : I just had my tits done. You like 'em?

John Beckwith : [shocked]  Those... seem like lovely tits.

Kathleen Cleary : William doesn't give a shit about my tits.

John Beckwith : Well, darn him. But Mrs. Cleary, this is pretty sudden...

Kathleen Cleary : Oh, you been playing "Cat and Mouse" with me ever since you came here.

John Beckwith : Mrs. Cleary, I don't...

Kathleen Cleary : Call me Kat.

John Beckwith : Okay, Kat.

Kathleen Cleary : Call me "Kitty Kat".

[growls] 

John Beckwith : Okay, Kitty Kat. This feels "borderline" inappropriate.

[Kathleen walks closer to John] 

Kathleen Cleary : Feel them.

John Beckwith : What?

Kathleen Cleary : I said feel them!

John Beckwith : Mrs. Cleary...

Kathleen Cleary : Kitty Kat.

John Beckwith : I'm sorry, Kitty Kat, are you out of your fucking mind?

Kathleen Cleary : I'm not letting you out of this room until you feel them.

[Completely hesitant and nervous, John feels her boobs; Kathleen moans softly] 

John Beckwith : Wow, they feel really nice. Real orb-like. It's amazing what they can do...

[Kathleen shudders and puts her blouse back on] 

Kathleen Cleary : Pervert!

[John has just referred to an aunt, only to be told by a guest that she is dead] 

Jeremy Grey : How many times you gonna do this shit? Rule #32: You don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely positive they have a pulse.

John Beckwith : Rule #16: Give me an up-to-date family tree. That was your mistake. You made me look like an idiot.

Jeremy Grey : Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!

Chazz Reinhold : So how's my protégé?

John Beckwith : Jeremy, believe it or not, is getting married!

Chazz Reinhold : What? What an idiot! What a loser! Good! Good! More for you and me.

John Beckwith : What are you doing? It's a game of touch football, every time I look over you're on your ass again.

John Beckwith : Sorry I'm late.

Jeremy Grey : No problem.

John Beckwith : I'm sorry I called you white trash.

Jeremy Grey : Apology accepted.

John Beckwith : And I'm sorry I called you hillbilly. I don't even know what that means.

Jeremy Grey : John, it's OK. Do you mind if I get married now?

John Beckwith : That brings us to the question of frequent flyer miles.

Mrs. Kroeger : I want them.

John Beckwith : Know what we're gonna do? We're gonna split them right down the middle. How would that be, Mr Kroeger?

Mr. Kroeger : It would be not good at all. I earned those miles.

Mrs. Kroeger : Yeah, you earned them flying to Denver to meet your whore.

Mr. Kroeger : She's not afraid to express herself sexually if that's what you mean.

Mrs. Kroeger : She's a stripper, for God's sake.

Mr. Kroeger : She is not.

Mrs. Kroeger : Her name is Chastity. She is white trash, same as you. Hillbilly!

John Beckwith : You better lock it up.

Jeremy Grey : No, you lock it up!

John Beckwith : You lock it up!

Jeremy Grey : You lock it up!

Jeremy Grey : Lock it up!

Jeremy Grey : Have you even shot one of these things before?

John Beckwith : The whole 17 years we've known each other I've been sneaking off to go on little hunting trips around the world. No, I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!

Jeremy Grey : I feel totally ridiculous. Like why do I have to be in camouflage? So the big bad quail doesn't see me?

John Beckwith : I know. Why can't we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?

Jeremy Grey : That'd be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even like a gorilla or a rhinoceros or a fucking human being! That'll get you jacked up.

John Beckwith : That's a little heavy.

Jeremy Grey : I mean like, hunt a human being right now, "Most Dangerous Game". Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that's armed, but a clever, a clever, human being who knows the jungle. Or the woods.

Sack Lodge : Claire, you get your fucking ass on that altar right now!

John Beckwith : Wow, we're getting a great preview of what marriage is gonna be like with Ike Turner over here.

John Beckwith : [to a group of children at a wedding]  Love doesn't exist, that's what I'm trying to tell you guys. And I'm not picking on love, 'cause I don't think friendship exists either.

Hindu Woman : [while dancing at a wedding reception]  French Foreign Legion?

John Beckwith : Yeah, we lost a lot of good men out there.

[cut to another reception] 

Bridesmaid : Mount Everest?

Jeremy Grey : I don't like to talk about it because we lost so many good men out there.

John Beckwith : We lost so many good men out there.

Bridesmaid : Playing with the Yankees?

John Beckwith : Yes, with the Yankees you loose good men to trades and unruly fans. Look I don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry.

John Beckwith : Secretary Cleary, I'm John Ryan.

Secretary Cleary : Hi, John.

John Beckwith : I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your position paper on economic expansion in Micronesia.

Secretary Cleary : You've read my position paper?

John Beckwith : I read it while I was sailing my boat to Bermuda.

Secretary Cleary : A sailor? Good man! Take a seat. You didn't happen to catch my speech on the Paraguayan debt and money supply issue did you?

John Beckwith : Are you kidding me? I thought it was great! Your argument for the inverse ratio of capitalization to debt was genius. Now if we could just get Congress not to be so short-sighted.

Secretary Cleary : Yes! Well put. Short-sighted. John, what d'you say we head onto the deck and light up a couple of cigars?

John Beckwith : Stogies?

Secretary Cleary : Yeah.

John Beckwith : Why not?

Sack Lodge : What's this, uh, company called?

Jeremy Grey : [Screaming because Gloria is secretly masturbating him to the end; climaxing]  HOLY SHI...

John Beckwith : [Thinking fast]  Shirts and Pants! Holy Shirts and Pants. It's a little corny and obvious, but what do you get out of being subtle, right?

Claire Cleary : So is it just about the money?

John Beckwith : No no, it's about, uh, investing in companies that are ethically and morally defensible.

Sack Lodge : Well, like what? Give me an example.

John Beckwith : Like what? Well, there's the company that we have where we're taking the, the fur or the wool from sheep and we turn it into thread for homeless people to sew. And then they make it into cloth, which they in turn sew, then um... make little shirts and pants for other homeless people to sell. It's a pretty good deal.

Jeremy Grey : [fumbling his words because Gloria is giving him a hand job under the dinner table]  People - People helping people.

Claire Cleary : That's - that's very admirable.

John Beckwith : Thank you. Although, don't make me out to be a saint just yet. We do turn a small profit. After all, someone has to pay for the, uh,

[motions to Jeremy] 

John Beckwith : Lap dancers for the big guy here.

Jeremy Grey : [laughing pleasurably]  Oh, ha ha ha, he's joking around. It feels so good when he jokes.

Vivian : Would you say you're completely full of shit or just 50%?

John Beckwith : I hope just 50 but who knows.

Secretary Cleary : Once Sack and Claire tie the knot, two of the great American families, the Clearys and the Lodges, will finally unite.

John Beckwith : And then of course you can challenge the Klingons for interstellar domination.

[stunned silence, then Claire laughs] 

Claire Cleary : What is true love?

John Beckwith : True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.

Claire Cleary : It's a little cheesy but I like it.

John Beckwith : I read it on a bumper sticker!

[John walks toward Claire, who is on the swing] 

John Beckwith : You can't marry this guy.

Claire Cleary : Why?

John Beckwith : Because I've fallen for you.

Jeremy Grey : I'm getting married.

John Beckwith : Get out.

[Points at the door] 

Jeremy Grey : But you just said you were happy...

John Beckwith : I'm hanging by a thread. I'm reading don't-kill-myself books.

Jeremy Grey : You said the book wasn't yours.

John Beckwith : Don't worry about the book. It's not mine. But I glanced at it.

John Beckwith : Are you going to give a toast?

Claire Cleary : Yes.

John Beckwith : Nervous?

Claire Cleary : A little bit.

John Beckwith : What are you going to say?

[Claire pulls a piece of paper from inside her dress] 

John Beckwith : You keep it in your cleavage.

Claire Cleary : Nowhere else to put it. Normally I'm not very good at these things, but I think this one's pretty good.

[John reads from Claire's notes] 

John Beckwith : "I never thought my sister would find someone who cared about what other people thought as much as she did - until I met Craig?"!

Claire Cleary : Yes, that's funny. It's funny because it's true. People like funny.

John Beckwith : I know, but the whole funny-because-it's-true bit only works if the truth is a *small* thing like "everyone knows Jennifer likes to shop, ha ha ha". I think you're better off going with something from the heart. Honestly.

Claire Cleary : I think people are going to like this.

John Beckwith : I think you're going to hear crickets.

Claire Cleary : I think you're wrong.

John Beckwith : Sounds of silence. Go walk the plank.

Claire Cleary : Uh uh. I'm sticking to it.

John Beckwith : Ok, meet me at the back of the room. I'll be the guy waiting to say I told you so.

John Beckwith : How long have you and the Secretary been married?

Kathleen Cleary : 30 years next April.

John Beckwith : That's beautiful.

Kathleen Cleary : Yeah. And we were faithful for two of them.

John Beckwith : I have a better idea. Throw an interception to Claire, get her feeling good about herself. You think you can do that?

Jeremy Grey : John, I was first team All-State. I can put the ball anywhere I want to. I'll make it rain out here.

Jeremy Grey : I'm sure you'd love to be free, maybe go out and meet some Latin guy that can dance, grind up on you, make you feel dangerous but also safe. And how about you? Don't you want to get inside Chastity without having to wonder if everyone's gonna find out?

John Beckwith : God, wouldn't that be sweet?

Jeremy Grey : Wouldn't that be nice? And have some Latin guy sweating all over you, talking to you in languages you don't understand, needing you, wanting you, taking you?

John Beckwith : All we're trying to say is, put your swords away for a second. Let's finish this and let's move on.

Jeremy Grey : Get out there and get some strange ass.

Jeremy Grey : Okay, what's our back story?

John Beckwith : We're brothers from New Hampshire. We're venture capitalists.

Jeremy Grey : I'm sick of that. Let's be from Vermont. And let's have an emerging maple syrup conglomerate.

John Beckwith : Wait, that's stupid. We don't know anything about maple syrup.

Jeremy Grey : I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup! I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes. I love it on pizza. And I take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?

[after playing football] 

Kathleen Cleary : Boy, it's hot out here.

John Beckwith : Yeah.

Kathleen Cleary : You should've played in your underwear.

Jeremy Grey : That's interesting John, that glass looks half full to me.

John Beckwith : Wow, now that you mention it, it *is* half full.

Jeremy Grey : Listen, I'm getting married.

[points at the door] 

Jeremy Grey : What? You just sat there and said you were happy for me, that I...

Jeremy Grey : You said that the book wasn't yours.

John Beckwith : Don't worry about the book. It isn't mine. But I glanced at it.

Jeremy Grey : John, you've been my friend for 16 years. I'm getting married. I need you there to be my best man.

John Beckwith : Kindly leave!

Jeremy Grey : I'm try...

John Beckwith : [cuts him off; whispers]  Kindly leave.

John Beckwith : I think we've got a crier.

Jeremy Grey : No shot.

John Beckwith : 20 bucks.

Jeremy Grey : Make it 40.

[Bride at alter bursts into tears] 

Jeremy Grey : [watching Gloria coming up the aisle]  Hello, Red! Dibs.

John Beckwith : [watching Claire coming up the aisle]  She's all yours. I ain't gonna fight you.

Father O'Neil : And now for our next reading I'd like to ask the bride's sister Gloria up to the lectern.

John Beckwith : 20 bucks, First Corinthians.

Jeremy Grey : Double or nothing, Colossians 3:12.

Gloria Cleary : And now a reading from Paul's first letter to the Corinthians.

Woman at Jewish Reception : I saw you at the wedding.

John Beckwith : Yeah?

Woman at Jewish Reception : You were crying.

John Beckwith : Oh shit! You weren't supposed to see that. Now you probably think I'm a big pussy.

Woman at Jewish Reception : No, you were so sweet.

John Beckwith : Hey, listen. What angle are you going to play here?

Jeremy Grey : I am going to go with the balloon animal display. For the kids. And then when she comes close to check it out, guess who is the broken man, haunted past? How about you?

John Beckwith : I am going to go dance with the little flower girl. Oh, and I might be a charter member of Oprah's book club.

Jeremy Grey : It's all deadly.

Claire Cleary : Actually Todd is an amazing painter. He's going to the Rhode Island School of Design.

John Beckwith : Wow, that's a great school. Congratulations, Todd. That's really impressive. RIS-D!

Todd Cleary : Yeah, Dad - Dad always thought I'd be a political liability...

[getting angry] 

Todd Cleary : ...in case he ever ran for President.

Secretary Cleary : Now, now Todd. Actually, truth be told, polling shows that a majority of the American people would ultimately empathize with our situation.

Todd Cleary : [sharply, raising his voice]  What IS our situation, Dad?

Grandma Mary Cleary : You're a homo.

John Beckwith : [about Chazz]  He lived with his mom till he was forty! She tried to poison his oatmeal!

Jeremy Grey : Erroneous! Erroneous! Erroneous on both counts!

John Beckwith : I crashed a funeral today.

John Beckwith : Whoa, hold it, Sack!

[Sack punches John] 

Trap : OK, Sackmaster, one more. We should get back to the bar.

Sack Lodge : You get near my fiancée again, I kill you.

John Beckwith : Let me say one thing.

Sack Lodge : [to Trap]  Did you check out the rack on that bartender?

Trap : Hey, you're the Sack. She'll come to you.

Sack Lodge : Oh my God, yes, she will, you're right!

Jeremy Grey : John? I need to see you right away. It's important.

John Beckwith : [Walking into Jeremy's office]  What's going on?

Jeremy Grey : [sighs]  We got three big weeks ahead of us. It's wedding season, kid!

John Beckwith : You sandbaggin' son of a bitch!

Jeremy Grey : I've got us down for 17 of them already.

John Beckwith : Okay, now how many of them have cash bars?

Jeremy Grey : Great question. I like where your head's at and two of them actually are, but I got us covered: Purple hearts. We won't have to pay for a drink all night.

John Beckwith : Oh, yeah. Perfect.

Jeremy Grey : We are gonna have tons and tons of opportunities to meet gorgeous ladies that get so aroused by the thought of marriage that they'll throw their inhibitions to the wind.

John Beckwith : And who's gonna be there to catch them?

Jeremy Grey : Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal! What do you like better, Christmas or Wedding Season?

[Jeremy raises his hand] 

John Beckwith : Mr. Grey?

Jeremy Grey : Yes. The answer would be, um, Wedding Season?

[shimmy-shakes] 

John Beckwith : Bingo! I'm gonna get my suit. Now who are we this time?

Claire Cleary : Your brother. He's down again.

John Beckwith : What is his deal?

Claire Cleary : Are you OK?

John Beckwith : Yeah, I'm just swinging the jib for your dad, starboard.

Claire Cleary : But starboard's *this* way.

John Beckwith : That's right. What am I thinking? I'm used to sailing Down Under with the Kiwis so everything's backwards. Even the toilets, when you flush them, the water spins the opposite way. Really freaks you out the first time you see it.

John Beckwith : What are you going to do for an encore? Walk on water?

[the men are hunting quails in the forest; Secretary Cleary blows his quail whistle] 

Sack Lodge : There's something not right about these guys.

Flip : What do you mean?

Sack Lodge : I mean, it's time to send them home.

Flip : Sack, don't do anything crazy.

Sack Lodge : Just relax. I'm just gonna scare them a little bit.

Flip : All right.

[Sack cocks his rifle and aims it at Jeremy] 

Sack Lodge : [Yells]  TO THE RIGHT!

[Everyone aims and shoots; John and Jeremy screams; John falls to the ground, pulls the trigger, and then shoots Jeremy] 

Jeremy Grey : [Screaming]  Aaaahhh! They got me!

Sack Lodge : [laughs]  Oh, shit!

Jeremy Grey : THEY GOT ME!

John Beckwith : Oh, shit.

Jeremy Grey : Oh, that's terrific! Why don't you just feed me to the lions? Step on my head when I am drowning.

Jeremy Grey : What do you mean "what"? What a great friend, John. This is completely against the rules. You have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. Period. There's no overtime.

John Beckwith : No overtime. Yeah, well what about the Chang wedding three years ago. 2am, you drag me fifty miles to watch you and some chick play Mah-Jongg with her grandmother? In a retirement home.

Jeremy Grey : Completely different situation. She was a very, very family-oriented girl. And very into her grandmother.

Jeremy Grey : [Yells aloud]  *That was my first Asian!*

[the entire room goes silent] 

John Beckwith : Rule No.5: "You're an idiot"

John Beckwith : Get up, you're making us look like pussies.

Jeremy Grey : If I had any air in my lungs I'd scream at you.

Jeremy Grey : [in response to the outfit he's wearing]  I'm not even gunna say it, but you know I'm upset.

John Beckwith : Yes. But I think you look good.

Jeremy Grey : You know I don't look good.

[after Sack outruns John and scores a touchdown] 

Jeremy Grey : What happened?

John Beckwith : I think he's on steroids. It's like trying to cover a fucking race horse.

Jeremy Grey : [quarterbacking a touch football game]  John! Red seven!

John Beckwith : I don't know what red seven means.

Jeremy Grey : Hot route!

John Beckwith : I don't... What is hot route?

Jeremy Grey : Will you just go stand on the other side please?

John Beckwith : Rule #1: Never Leave a Fellow Crasher Behind.

John Beckwith : [introducing himself at a wedding reception]  Sanjay Collins.

Jeremy Grey : Chuck Vindaloo. Excited to be here.

John Beckwith : Seamus O'Toole.

Jeremy Grey : Bobby O'Shea.

John Beckwith : I'm ready to get drunk!

John Beckwith : [after Jeremy gets violently tackled to the ground]  You were awesome... she's buying it, now quit messing around and get up.

Jeremy Grey : [after getting the wind knocked out of him, whispering]  I'm not messing around, I can't breathe.

John Beckwith : Oh, come on, now you're just milking it.

Jeremy Grey : [looks up in disgust, still whispering]  I hate you.

John Beckwith : Oh, *you're* gonna cover me.

Claire Cleary : Like white on rice.

John Beckwith : All right I like my odds here. Let me give you a little warning, I'm going downtown. Look for me in the endzone after this play, I'll be the guy holding the ball.

John Beckwith : And do ya maybe feel the same way?

Claire Cleary : Maybe.

John Beckwith : [relieved]  Maybe. That's all I needed to know.

Claire Cleary : [exhales in frustration]  But this is crazy, because I don't know any...

John Beckwith : Why?

Claire Cleary : I don't know anything about you!

John Beckwith : What do you mean?

Claire Cleary : You do investments in New Hampshire, and you have a... crazy brother...

John Beckwith : Well, actually, I need to talk to you about that. I'm not a big deal, but maybe youn wanna sit back on the swing.

Sack Lodge : Why don't you tell her, John?

John Beckwith : I don't know what goin' on.

Sack Lodge : [whispers]  You don't know?

John Beckwith : I'm playing Catch-up too.

[Sack punches John in the chest] 

Claire Cleary : [yells]  Sack! What are you doing?

Sack Lodge : You remembering yet? You remember yet?

Claire Cleary : [to John]  Are you okay? Sack!

Sack Lodge : They're not who they say they are, Claire. Those aren't even their real names.

Claire Cleary : What?

Sack Lodge : No, everything they told you was a lie.

Claire Cleary : [confused]  I-I don't understand what your saying.

Sack Lodge : Claire, they crash weddings. They crash weddings so that they can sleep with girls. Everything that they told us has been a complete fabrication!

Claire Cleary : You're joking.

Sack Lodge : All of it was a - Don't you fuckin' get up!

Claire Cleary : Sack, will you just stop?

Sack Lodge : [backs away]  Okay. Okay.

[Claire demands the truth] 

Claire Cleary : Is that true?

John Beckwith : [hesitates]  No - Well, no, it's... not entirely.

Claire Cleary : No. It's a "Yes" or "No" question.

John Beckwith : I know, but it's complicated.

Claire Cleary : [turns angry]  Yes or No?

[the family looks on John and Jeremy in disbelief] 

Claire Cleary : Yes or No?

John Beckwith : Yes...

[the family is shocked and upset; Claire is at a loss for words] 

John Beckwith : with shades of grey.

Jeremy Grey : [to Gloria]  I'm not perfect. But who are we kidding? Neither are you. And you wanna know what? I dig it!

Todd Cleary : Mom make you feel her tits?

John Beckwith : Did you say something, Todd?

John Beckwith : Todd, where are you going with this?

Todd Cleary : Just don't say anything to my dad, though. Some friend of my sister's said something to my dad a couple of years ago, he now lives in a shack in Guam... not by choice.

John Beckwith : Stop kidding with me Todd. You almost had me. Come on!

John Beckwith : I don't mean to pry.

Claire Cleary : Yes, you do.

[seeing Gloria throwing a tantrum in front of her father] 

Jeremy Grey : Looks like a little kid at Toys-R-Us.

[pause] 

Jeremy Grey : I can't be around her.

John Beckwith : Get off your high horse and stop judging people.

[a gunshot is heard from inside the Cleary mansion; Grandma Cleary is chasing Jeremy outside] 

Jeremy Grey : RUN! JOHNNY! She's tryin' to kill me!

[shouting continues] 

Claire Cleary : Grandma!

John Beckwith : Whoa! Whoa!

Jeremy Grey : Get the gun from her!

Secretary Cleary : Put the gun down! Mother, stop!

Jeremy Grey : This is the real world, lady! You can't just go shooting people on a whim!

John Beckwith : [shocked]  What did you do?

Jeremy Grey : [to Father O'Neil]  I told you that in confidence. That was a confession!

Claire Cleary : What are you talking about?

Jeremy Grey : I'm sorry. I'm not sorry. Okay? I'm not gonna apologize, I'm a cocksman!

[gets glares from wedding guests] 

John Beckwith : [to wedding guests]  Tourette's.

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Wedding Crashers quotes

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Wedding Crashers 2005

Jeremy: Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. What were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or for comfort? What'd you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat? [makes motorboat noises] You motor-boating son of a b*tch, you old sailor, you! Where is she? She still in the house?

John: What is wrong with you?

Jeremy: What do you mean, what's wrong with--? What's wrong with you?

John: No, what's wrong with you?

Jeremy: No, what's wrong with you? You're projecting!

John: Drop it.

Jeremy: You drop it! You stop projecting on me! Why don't you go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood.

John: Drop it!

Jeremy: Team player!

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5. "C'mon, Focker!" (Or any sentence that ends in "...Focker!")

Common Usage: Any time when you want to say "fuck" but are afraid of being naughty. Basically, first through third grades. After that, if you can't get past the thrill of almost saying a curse word, chances are you're never going to need to know what the verb form of the word "fuck" means anyways.

4. "Shake and bake!"

Common Usage: Usually delivered with a fist bump, "shake and bake" is like a Forrest Gump quote mixed with a high five. It shows your friends that you think of yourself as a semi-retarded NASCAR driver, and that you hold them in the same high regard. Sprinkling a "shake and bake" in while dishing out the celebratory fist bumps lets everyone in the room know that your last big win was completing the Tri-Force (in "The Legend of Zelda," but you knew that).

3. "Are they built for speed or comfort? What'd you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat? You motorboatin' son of a bitch. You old sailor, you."

Common Usage: Sure, you could recite this quote when a friend of yours mentions a recent hookup. He'll probably reply, "Oh, I get it, that's from that movie Wedding Crashers ." And you will in turn say, "Yup!" And then the two of you will sit around in a haze of awkward, stultifying stupidity for the rest of the night.

A better way to use it is any time your dad starts a sentence with "Me and your mom"¦" That'll be sure to liven up Thanksgiving dinner. Especially if your mom has great tits.

2. "You know how I know you're gay?"

Of course, anyone who uses this quote will be quick to remind you that they don't have anything against gay people. They're not talking about GAY, gay. Just"¦y'know"¦ gay . C'mon, you know what they mean. Quit being so gay.

Common Usage: Anytime someone uses this line, things usually devolve into what amounts to a stupider, whiter version of the MTV show Yo Mamma. Read that last sentence again, and then try to resist the urge to punch a total stranger in the face. The one potential upside is the possibility that some jackass will at some point in the future, say this to someone who actually is gay. Sure, he may feel witty in front of his boys, but he's probably not going to have anything to say that will top the response of, "Because I just had sex with you in a Porta-John?"

1. "Eees NIIIIIICE," or "My Seeestehr"¦" or "Een My Coun-tehr-ee"

Proper Usage: Borat quotes are meant to be delivered in an Eastern Bloc accent hackish enough to make Yakov Smirnoff ululate. Many people believe that the proper response to a Borat quote is another Borat quote, but this is actually incorrect. Modern etiquette and social responsibility demand that the quoter receive a swift testicle drubbing, lest he reproduce.

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Is your spiritual life like a motorboat or a sailboat?

Oh, for the great times when the wind was with us! And catching the wind the boat would speed along making a slick sound in the water. Oh, too, for those daring and thrilling times when the spinnaker was put out! The boat would almost strain as the proud winds filled her arcing sail.

But then, too, there were the difficult days when the winds were contrary and the hard work of tacking, beating, and jibing had to be engaged.

Now sailing is an image of receptivity. One cannot control the wind; one must simply take it as it is. Yes, sailing requires the sailor to adjust to what is, to accept, to work with what is given, to live in the world as it is rather than wishing for the world as it ought to be.

The sailor must simply accept the wind’s bidding and blessings, the way in which it would have us go, this way and that, shifting directions somewhat unexpectedly. And the good sailor accepts that a strong breeze can suddenly die down only to stir again shortly thereafter. This is especially the case in the sultry summer days when the prevailing winds are less evident and the strength and direction of the winds can be very local and very subtle.

Yes it is all very mysterious. Indeed Jesus used the wind as an image for mystery when he said to Nicodemus, The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit (Jn 3:8).

And thus the sailor adapting to the wind becomes something of an image for the soul interacting with God. We cannot control God, nor should we try to. Our role is to sense His direction and put out our sails accordingly. We are to “romance the wind” by growing deeper in our love and trust of God. We are to discover the serenity of accepting what is, of following the lead of God, of receiving what is offered rather than seeking to control and manipulate the outcome.

Sometimes the wind of God’s Ruah (His Spirit and breath) is as strong and refreshing as at Pentecost when Scripture says, And suddenly there came from heaven a sound like a mighty rushing wind, and it filled the entire house where they were (Acts 2:4). At other times, God speaks in a whispering breeze: And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” (1 Kings 19:12-13)

Yes, allow the wind to represent the movements of God’s Spirit, His Ruah, His breath. God is looking for some good sailors who know the subtleties of the movements of the wind and can adjust accordingly.

Now since wind cannot be controlled and must simply be accepted for what it is, many prefer motorboats. How much nicer it is to feel empowered from within and able to resolutely set one’s own course no matter the wind! With a motorboat there is little or no threat of being at the mercy of the wind. There is no need to relate to, or be in relationship with, the wind. No need of “romancing of the wind” here! With a motorboat, there is only the need to drive forward with the powerful motor, following one’s own designs.

Here is control; here is power; here is the boater alone with his own will, dependent on few things and no one. It is one man against the elements.

But motorboats are a mixed blessing: they require a good bit of gas, can be noisy, need maintenance, suffer breakdowns, and can be downright dangerous to people and other things around them.

And here, too, is another image for our soul interacting with God. For there are many who prefer to be under their own power, dependent on no one other than themselves They prefer never having to wait for God or other human beings, acting and operating independently. They would rather not have to sense the direction of the winds, watch for other signs, or consider other factors.

And just as is the case with a motorboat, there are dangers associated with this sort of controlling image of the human person. For indeed such individuals can be noisy, gas-guzzlers, prone to breakdown, and potentially hazardous to people and things around them. For in their perceived power they often truck through life missing its subtleties and causing harm to themselves and others. “Breakdowns” are almost predictable with these sorts of people.

Most people prefer a motorboat. But God is more in the sailboat business. He’s looking for some good souls to sense the breeze of His Spirit, His Ruah, and having sensed that gentle breeze, to hoist their sails and follow where the wind—His Spirit—leads.

Yes, we are invited to be more like sailors following the Spirit’s lead. Yes, like sailors, trusting and yielding to a Godly breeze.

Do you prefer a motorboat or a sailboat? Are you a boater or a sailor?

Here is a remarkable video, not of a sailor at sea, but of a land sailor—a kite flier. Watch the beautiful interaction of this man and the wind as he “romances” it, working with its subtleties and rejoicing in its moves in a sort of great dance.

3 Replies to “Is your spiritual life like a motorboat or a sailboat?”

Wonderful analogy! I am not a sailor but you described it so well I can imagine it. I struggle with a motor-boat personality and know from experience that when you are broken down and drifting, if you call out to Him, God will blow you to where you are supposed to be. God Bless you! Jill

Thank you for the easy to grasp depiction of spiritual truths !

That theme of ‘ motor boat ‘ – wonder if in an insidious manner , same has come in, in the almost idolatrous idea that offering frantic praise to God , to get what one has been promised to get ‘right now ‘ is true worship !

The biblical reference is ofcourse to Peter and Paul getting released from jail – very likely that they did same, not with the intent to get God to get them released right away but because , even in jail , they were so full of awe and gratitude to God !

The theme of ‘use praise , to get.. and right now ‘, – thus serving to make oneself the focus , as an indirect form of idolatry , possibly has come in from Prot .channels ..who, in turn could have been remotely affected by those who have used their role and power as Heads of the Divided Churches , who succumbed to the cleverly deceptive powers set against The Church with the related ‘user ‘ mind set !

Thank God for Holy Mass that uses the well balanced theme of repentance, gratitude , praise and supplication and we can all ask The Spirit to lead us on, in His gentle paths , of having true love and reverence for God and His truth !

This is really helpful Msgr Pope. Thank you.

Comments are closed.

National Sea Rescue Institute Durban rescues injured sailor

The nsri durban duty rescue crew, the nsri durban mex (maritime extrication) crew and a netcare 911 rescue paramedic collaborated to execute the rescue of a man who was injured aboard a vessel near the port of durban..

A FILIPINO male was rescued by the National Sea Rescue Institute (NSRI) Durban team after suffering an injury onboard his vessel on Saturday, July 13.

“At approximately 09:00, Saturday, 13 July, NSRI Durban received notification of a pending medical evacuation due to be carried out from a bulk carrier motor vessel that was heading towards Durban from deep sea,” said Clifford Ireland, NSRI Durban duty coxswain.

Ireland said that at the time, the motor vessel was about 100 nautical miles from Durban and was due to arrive offshore of the Port of Durban at 21:00.

The man, a 43-year-old Filipino male, was reported to be suffering an injury sustained onboard the vessel. “A WC Government Health EMS duty doctor had evaluated the injury, in communications with the ship’s medical crew, and it was deemed necessary to medically evacuate the patient off the ship to be taken to a hospital as soon as possible,” said Ireland.

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The NSRI Durban duty rescue crew, the NSRI Durban MEX (Maritime Extrication) crew and a Netcare 911 rescue paramedic assembled at the NSRI Durban Station 5 rescue base at 19:30, launched the NSRI Durban rescue vessel, Alick Rennie, and rendezvoused with the motor vessel four nautical miles offshore of the Port of Durban. NSRI MEX technicians and the Netcare 911 rescue paramedic were then transferred onto the motor vessel to assess the casualty.

Ireland said that sea conditions were calm. “Following the medical assessment onboard, it was determined that the casualty would be extricated and secured into a Stokes basket stretcher as he was unable to walk on his own due to his injury. He was in a serious but stable condition but in good care.”

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“A high-angle technical rope extrication system was established onboard the motor vessel, assisted by the ship’s crew, and the casualty was safely hoisted, secured into the Stokes basket stretcher, onto the deck of the Alick Rennie and into the care of our NSRI deck rescue crew. In the care of the Netcare 911 rescue paramedic, assisted by our NSRI medics, the patient was brought safely to our NSRI rescue base, and he was transported to hospital by a Netcare 911 ambulance. He remained in a serious but stable condition,” said Ireland.

The man is expected to make a full recovery.

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